


With Tears In My Eyes

by vienn_peridot



Series: Fins and Feet [3]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: AU: Humanformers, AU: Merformer, Angst, I am a terrible person, Lady!Wing, Nightmares, Not really edited, Octo!Ratchet, Other, Past Character Death, Sorry Not Sorry, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 05:29:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8000305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vienn_peridot/pseuds/vienn_peridot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time heals most wounds, but not all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Tears In My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Harutemu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harutemu/gifts), [GunTotingScienceNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GunTotingScienceNerd/gifts).



> This fic was spawned by a headcanon post on Tumblr: [ [Here](http://adhesivesandscrap.tumblr.com/post/150162665091/adhesivesandscrap) ]  
> This is for Everythingyouthinkyouknowisalie, 4thelurvofnerds and Harutemu. Because I am a terrible person UuU
> 
> Song for this fic: [Dancing With Tears in My Eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIqLrX_Rtps) (Kesha)
> 
>  **Language Notes:**  
>  "words" = Spoken English  
> [words] = Spoken Mer

Ratchet hated these dreams even as he longed for them.

He longed for them because he could see Pharma again. Alive and happy, smiling at him.

He hated them because he still knew that he was dreaming and that this wasn’t real, but he couldn’t change it

And they all ended the same way.

Ratchet could tell when the end of a Pharma-dream approached. He would lose sight of his mate, Pharma slipping from sight for some reason or other. Playing chase, hunting, gathering the vegetation Pharma needed. Their skills had gone together so well; Ratchet and Pharma working in concert to heal any who sought them out.

Shifting in his sleep, Ratchet tried desperately to keep Pharma in sight. It was getting harder, the dream drawing to a close. His mate smiled, tossing teasing glances over his shoulder, flicking his fins flirtatiously as he darted around tall columns of rock, diving into the concealing strands of a kelp forest where it would be harder for Ratchet to give chase.

 _No, just a little bit longer. I’m not ready to wake up. Pharma,_ please _…_

It happened, as he knew it would. Ratchet lost sight of Pharma for a moment too long and his mate’s cheerful laughter stopped. Eerie silence fell over the kelp forest, pressing into Ratchet’s ears like he’d gone too deep.

_No. No, no, no…_

He crept forward, pushing tall kelp aside with arms and tentacles to see Pharma drifting dead in the water, body dull and damaged as the last time Ratchet had seen him.

 _My fault. All my fault. Pharma, love, I_ warned _you…_

Even after all the years that had passed the impact of these dreams remained the same.

Ratchet woke alone in his F-Off clam in the WRC, shaking uncontrollably and whining softly with distress. Thick mucus gathered at the corners of his eyes and he pressed the knuckles of one hand to his mouth to stifle the sounds he didn’t want anyone to hear. He wrapped the other arm around himself, holding himself against the pain of his shattering hearts. The tip of a tentacle crept up to his mouth, sneaking past his hand so he could suck on it like a hatchling. An old self-soothing gesture he’d retained long past the time he should have grown out of it.

It didn’t help, nothing really did.

Sucking turned to nibbling, teeth dragging over smooth hide and nipping at suckers as Ratchet shivered and compulsively groomed the same few square inches of tentacle in an attempt to regain the emotional balance the Pharma-dream had destroyed.

Knocking on the smooth plastic shell of his F-Off Clam startled Ratchet so badly he bit down in surprise, almost severing one of his smaller suckers.

[Ratch, the whole clam is shaking like a wet dog.] The concerned voice of Hot Rod reached his ears, speaking badly-accented Mer. [Are you alright in there?]

Blinking the mucus tears away, Ratchet scrubbed the back of a hand over his eyes to make sure there were all gone before grabbing the tip of his tentacle to slow the bleeding.

[ _Go away_.] The octomer snarled, threatening infrasound pulsing through his words. [I’m _fine_.]

Of course the young, human-raised hybrid would have no idea of the danger he was playing with. Ratchet watched with horror as the upper part of the clamshell started to rise; Hot Rod physically checking on him.

[You don’t _sound_ alright. You _sure_ you’re ok?] Hot Rod said. He yelped as Ratchet used his superior strength to hold the huge plastic clamshell closed, preserving his privacy and what dignity he currently had. [Hey! Not fair, tentacle-butt!]

[Fuck. Off.] Ratchet growled, infrasound stronger this time. [Don’t think I won’t bite you.]

[Alright, fine. I’m _going_.] He could hear the pout in Hot Rod’s voice. [Jerk.]

By the time Ratchet was ready to emerge it was late, past evening feeding time. Hot Rod and the rest of the diurnal Mer were already asleep, the WRC quiet except for the sound of the massive pump and filtration system that kept clean water cycling through the tanks. Someone had left Ratchet’s dinner in a wire-mesh basket near the clam. Not feeling hungry, he ignored it, swimming right past and heading for the gates separating the internal pool complex from the small outdoor area the WRC had been building when he first arrived.

The humans kept the water-gate closed and locked at night, not that it mattered to Ratchet. It took him less than a minute to disarm the alarm, pick the lock and slip outside. He drifted to the middle of the largest pool and looked up, searching for _their_ stars. Overhead the sky was patchy-dark, low clouds reflecting the lights of town and blocking all sight of moon and stars. Sighing water out through his siphons, Ratchet slumped until only his head remained above water. The night slipped by as he waited patiently for the sky to clear, mucus tears drying to a crust on his cheeks.

Just before dawn cold rain started to fall, pattering across still water and Ratchet’s face, the soft sound covered by the louder slap of human shoes on the concrete. He shifted a little, looking over to see the new human with hair the same blur-violet of Pharma’s eyes fidgeting nervously as she watched him.

“Hi, um, breakfast is ready if you want it.”

Ratchet watched her silently for a long moment, thinking. Somewhere in the WRC he could hear Tailgate and Hot Rod bickering. The wind gusted and the new human –Wing, he thought her name was- shivered. She wasn’t wearing one of the waterproof things and it was still raining. But still she waited for him to answer with her hair dripping trails of Pharma-blue rain down her face.

“…Alright.” Ratchet finally relented.

Ignoring the ache of his bitten tentacle he pushed off and headed towards the underwater gate, the human following along the edge of the pool behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm giving mer!Pharma and octomer!Ratchet a healthy relationship in this AU because dammit they deserve to be disgustingly happy together for once. (It ended horribly but hey you know I destroy everything I touch.)
> 
> Hot Rod/Rodimus is still a human-created and human-raised hybrid betta/lionfish-type who learned Mer as a second language.


End file.
